Conquering fears
When I was little, and part of being that, my folks and neighbours and others loved to see the expression of fear on my face when, for example, they turn off the lights and leave me in the dark, boo me out of nowhere, threaten that there are monsters under my bed, tell me that the dead never really die and they can just knock at the door any time, or point at dogs or cats and tell me if I'm not a good girl they'd let the dogs or cats eat me.
So, you can see I was about to be the first 3-year old child that dies of a heart attack. I grew up almost scared of anything. Literally. The only safe place, the shelter I used to run to and hide behind its walls was my old room. It was somewhat contained. At the time, I doubted that any thing can get me while I'm in that room. I'm saying my old room because we moved out a long time ago. And since then I never felt safe. I mean my family took away the only place that I really wanted to be in the whole universe. Ever since that day so many nightmares attack me while sleeping - not to mention the ones I have while fully awake - and every time my mind is used to making a mental subconscious attempt to escape to that room. Each time I felt real scared, I closed the door of that room behind me and walked to the opposite wall watching. My old room used to have two windows. Both somewhat big and made of glass. And yet, no mental monster managed to break the glass and invade my shelter. I could see them trying while my back is to the sky-blue wall. After a while the monsters go away. Well, for some time.
So, you can see I was about to be the first 3-year old child that dies of a heart attack. I grew up almost scared of anything. Literally. The only safe place, the shelter I used to run to and hide behind its walls was my old room. It was somewhat contained. At the time, I doubted that any thing can get me while I'm in that room. I'm saying my old room because we moved out a long time ago. And since then I never felt safe. I mean my family took away the only place that I really wanted to be in the whole universe. Ever since that day so many nightmares attack me while sleeping - not to mention the ones I have while fully awake - and every time my mind is used to making a mental subconscious attempt to escape to that room. Each time I felt real scared, I closed the door of that room behind me and walked to the opposite wall watching. My old room used to have two windows. Both somewhat big and made of glass. And yet, no mental monster managed to break the glass and invade my shelter. I could see them trying while my back is to the sky-blue wall. After a while the monsters go away. Well, for some time.
With time, I found my mind so week to push me towards my old shelter. Or when it manages to do so, I find cracks all over the place and I feel so certain that the walls wouldn't hold forever. My fears became vivid. So vivid that I could almost touch them, almost hear the laughs of so many monsters happy to invade the (inaccessible) walls of my shelter. However, they are no longer the fears of a child. I mean I'm not scared of dogs or cats any more, not even of the dark - unless it is a dark and deserted street. My fears now are bigger. And there is no defence. The fear of the Unknown. Fear of dying. Fear of dying in a terrible way. Fear of getting old. Fear of looking old. Fear of being old. Fear of having not enough time to do all the things I used to dream about and thought I have all the time in the world to do them. Fear of having to make a hard decision. Fear of being alone.
