Belonging

To whom do you belong?

I love people, miss them, and my heart aches if they are gone. Nevertheless, my heart gets torn apart when Fate makes me leave a place I love. I don't know what comes over me when I pass by my old street and my old house. Each time I wish I can go up to our old apartment and hold the walls in my arms, touch the cold tiles, kiss the windows, stand on the spot where my bed used to be. Even though at the time I hated the noise, the dirty street, the crazy neighbours, and the water we never saw except for one hour from 3:00 a.m. to 4:00 a.m, but still whenever my old house comes to my mind I don't remember anything but the moments of happiness, few as they were. At least, I was still a child not knowing anything about the world. Or - to be precise - I used to read novels and think to myself: "The bad guys belong to fairytales. The good ones are the reality." However, as I was growing up, I found out - to my greatest shock - I WAS WRONG. people cheat, kill, and steal in the real world. They leave; they die; and they hurt each other.

The only place I feel safe, the only place I feel I belong to, the only place I can call home is at the tip of my pen. There, I create the Utopia I love. There I become a god. I create. I raise the people who died in my life and bring back those who left. I become in full control. No tears or sorrow. No heartaches. There are no bad guys. Only misfortunate beings toyed with by Fate. There, I don't feel alone. There, I live and breathe. There, I become "me," without a past or present or future.

Guest at dawn

 

Two nights ago, I encountered one of the most difficult experiences in my whole life. I wanted to talk about it. Unfortunately, I'm not on good terms with my diary for over 2 months now. I can't reach my 2 best friends. And even if I did, they will either get so worried or think I'm going crazy. So, at first I tried to keep it to myself. But it is haunting me whenever and wherever I go. Yes, I may be overreacting. But at that time, deep in the night (well, no, just half an hour before the Morning Prayer), it seemed to me so real that my heart almost burst. I thought it was a dream or - to be precise - a nightmare. But fear really paralyzed me. And astonishment, too.

At around 4:00 a.m, I woke up fully conscious. I did not open my eyes. I did not breathe or move one finger. I just stayed put as if still asleep. At first - and for a few seconds - I thought it was me having difficulty sleeping (it is common with me), but I sensed something in my room. I sleep alone. No one was supposed to be here. And yet, I sensed the presence of someone. Or something. I opened my eyelids a bit so slowly. Since I sleep in almost total darkness and with my door closed I couldn't at first see anything. Just shadows because of the streetlights.

Until this very minute I did not move my head the slightest bit. But... IT was there. It was not the first time that I wake up in the night, but this time was different. I swear I felt something/someone that wanted to talk to me. That's exactly what I felt then. Someone wanted to communicate... wanted me to listen.

Overreacting? Maybe. Let me go on. I opened my eyes fully and moved my head around. No one was here. It must be me going loca! Whatever it was, I dared the worst. I sat up in my bed, brushed my hair behind my ears, and watched the surroundings for a moment or so. I won't lie. I was afraid. So damned afraid. I could almost hear the loud beating of my heart. However, I stood on my feet. For my astonishment, I felt as if someone was breathing next to my ear. With one jump to the door - which is only 3 or 4 steps away from the bed - I reached the knob and turned it open and rushed out of the room, all at the same time.

A minute later, I decided to follow a piece of advice given by Jack Shephard (actor Matthew Fox in the TV show Lost) to Kate (Actress Evangeline Lilly): "Fear is sort of an odd thing... the terror was just so... crazy. So real. And I knew I had to deal with it. So I just made a choice. I'd let the fear in. Let it take over. Let it do its thing. But only for five seconds. That's all I was gonna give it. So I started to count. One... two... three... four... five. Then it was gone."

I did the same. I counted to five. And went back to my room. I was afraid no more. Whatever it was I sensed in my room earlier was gone.