Conquering fears

When I was little, and part of being that, my folks and neighbours and others loved to see the expression of fear on my face when, for example, they turn off the lights and leave me in the dark, boo me out of nowhere, threaten that there are monsters under my bed, tell me that the dead never really die and they can just knock at the door any time, or point at dogs or cats and tell me if I'm not a good girl they'd let the dogs or cats eat me.

So, you can see I was about to be the first 3-year old child that dies of a heart attack. I grew up almost scared of anything. Literally. The only safe place, the shelter I used to run to and hide behind its walls was my old room. It was somewhat contained. At the time, I doubted that any thing can get me while I'm in that room. I'm saying my old room because we moved out a long time ago. And since then I never felt safe. I mean my family took away the only place that I really wanted to be in the whole universe. Ever since that day so many nightmares attack me while sleeping - not to mention the ones I have while fully awake - and every time my mind is used to making a mental subconscious attempt to escape to that room. Each time I felt real scared, I closed the door of that room behind me and walked to the opposite wall watching. My old room used to have two windows. Both somewhat big and made of glass. And yet, no mental monster managed to break the glass and invade my shelter. I could see them trying while my back is to the sky-blue wall. After a while the monsters go away. Well, for some time.

With time, I found my mind so week to push me towards my old shelter. Or when it manages to do so, I find cracks all over the place and I feel so certain that the walls wouldn't hold forever. My fears became vivid. So vivid that I could almost touch them, almost hear the laughs of so many monsters happy to invade the (inaccessible) walls of my shelter. However, they are no longer the fears of a child. I mean I'm not scared of dogs or cats any more, not even of the dark - unless it is a dark and deserted street. My fears now are bigger. And there is no defence. The fear of the Unknown. Fear of dying. Fear of dying in a terrible way. Fear of getting old. Fear of looking old. Fear of being old. Fear of having not enough time to do all the things I used to dream about and thought I have all the time in the world to do them. Fear of having to make a hard decision. Fear of being alone.

The Door

In the past, it used to be really helpful for me to redecorate my room whenever I felt down or upset. I feel melancholic lately. For a long time actually. And the dark thoughts are more haunting now. My old strategy is not working any more. I changed the colour of everything in my room. I hanged new pictures. I changed the location of my bed, desk, and library. It is not helping any more. I feel like crying all the time.

In the past, I used to open my diary, let my feelings go, and then my tears would drop on the pages. I simply write. I just keep on writing until I can't feel my fingers, because I write with anger, sometimes with hope. Yesterday, I opened my diary. I don't know why I quit writing. To my greatest astonishment, I found the last page ever I write in my diary reads as follows:

Today I came to Your door. I had the hope in my heart that You'll be there. You are always there, because this is what You keep on telling us in the Holy Book. I was totally desperate. Rage was eating my heart. I climbed up the stairs to you. With each step, hope within me grows. There is a way out for me here. And... there I was. Standing in front of a closed door. Speechless and shocked, I knocked with so much anger and rage. My strong feelings pushed words out of my mouth, or was it my heart?: "Open the door. Open the door. You have to listen to me. You have to prove to me that You care". A veiled woman came running down from the upper floor and said: "What do you want? The mosque is closed for women except on Fridays." In my mind I was screaming: "But I need to speak with Him RIGHT NOW. I used to talk to Him anywhere, but he stopped listening. I thought maybe if I came all the way down here, He'd know that I really need His help". But I said nothing.

That day hope deserted my heart, and life has been awful ever since. Something in me has no will to ask for anything. I just wanted to be left alone.

Freeze the Moment

Was there a special moment in your life when you needed time to freeze and stop at it? Was there a moment when all you really wanted was to enjoy it and nothing else? Was there a moment in your life when you knew that it is the best?

Our special moments are brief. And only a few are gifted with the ability to know that they are so. Sometimes it is just a matter of appreciation; regarding each moment as special. I remember very few special moments. I knew at the time that they are here now and I wanted to hold on to them.

In our family the appreciation of physical touch is not there. That's why when Mom hugged me so tightly the day I got the high marks in Thanawya Amma, I held on to the moment. I just wanted to be in her arms forever. I knew I could be in no safer place as her bosom. I cried. She cried. People around us thought I was crying out of joy. Mom thought so, too. I was. Sort of. I was overwhelmed with the feelings of that moment. I wanted time to stop. To freeze. I wanted us to be a taken photograph that never turns black and white. For a short frozen moment... I knew I was safe, loved, and well-taken care of. Mom, I love you. I just hope that you still hold the memory of that day so close to your heart and think of it as the moment when you wanted the world to stop moving and the time to stop racing.